I Hate God

Dear Diary,

We arrived in L'Viv after we slowly cooked on an overnight train from Kiev. It was so hot that I had stripped down to nothing and had thought about stripping my skin off. The windows were sealed and I had no control over the temperature in the cabin. It got way better though.... soon I found out that my parents and I were sharing the same hotel room and I was sleeping on a sofa sleeper. The restaurant at the hotel played "Lady In Red" so many times that I thought I would commit a hate crime before we left. It was so cold!!! I would go outside where the hotel had a park of sorts and write letters to my old neighbor back in the U.S. that I had a crush on and then I would write letters to my friends back in Brazil but I never mailed them. I would also walk around talking to myself and singing alot because I didn't have friends and no one wanted to play with the "American." We met another missionary family and they had 3 girls.... I immediately made a move on the oldest who was 16 and I was 12. After she rejected me I made a move on her sister who was 12 and I guess since I was the only option we became kissing friends. But we didn't hang that much mainly because the parents belonged in an institution somewhere. I played Skip-Bo, Uno, and every card game under the sun with my mom to pass the days. Did I mention the fact that the nights would last for freaking ever!!!! We had to get "Twix" or "Sneaker Bars" from the black market and once in a blue moon I could find a Coca Cola.... Oh yeah!!! I was in the same hotel room with my parents for 6 months!!!!!!!!!! The day came when we moved in to our own apartment and I had my OWN room. I was miserable though. I would stay up all night reading and listening to the only cd I had of Brian Adams. I was being home schooled by my mom which made me extremely happy... yeah right.... I started cheating on my work by looking at the back of the books. I would sit during the day when I was supposed to be doing my school work and stare and dream about being back in Brazil. As the days went on I grew more and more bitter. We did have a pizza place that served American Style pizza and some form of a coke but they had the "Ace of Base" cd on repeat and I would have choked a nun for some earplugs! I was so angry at my parents.... It got to the point that I would go up in the attic and just cry... When my mom would tell me to do something I would do it but cuss her in my head and then I started acting on it. When she would walk out of the room I would throw things. One day when my parents left I threw everything in my room around and grabbed the light hanging from my ceiling and bashed it. I grew up with christian parents and surrounded by the Gospel but I didn't even want to think about God. The day came when I was in my bed and it was close to 3am and I was thinking. I was so angry I couldn't sleep. I wanted out!!! "God can't you hear me?!? Why would you bring my parents here if you knew I would feel this way?!?" Then cam the whopper.... " If God is real and he brought my parents here.... Then I hate God!"