The Dissapointment Of Tom Sawyer

Dear Diary,

He was the coolest kid in the neighborhood. He could do tricks on his bike that we all dreamed about. He was 8 years older than the rest of us and I thought he knew the answers to the universe. One of our favorite pass time's was to stand on my wall and jump in to a pile of hay where spiders would nest and roll out of it before we were bit...pretty smart ey? We also used to hang out on the concrete roof of my laundry room which was separate from my house. It was there that he began drawing things that I felt in my gut were wrong but I said nothing because he was the cool kid who I thought was a real life Tom Sawyer. Soon we were all hanging out at his house having a firecracker war with things we called bombina's which means "little bomb's" in English. After we were tired of that he asked me and another friend if we wanted to see something cool and of course we did! It was my first time to see porn but it wasn't like a magazine it was in the form of a comic book. I was 5 and totally curious but at the same time I felt the weight of shame surrounding me. He gave me the book.... I can't say that I was super thrilled about it.... I took it home though and as I was walking up the driveway to my house I stuffed it under my shirt... keep in mind that I am 5... I walk in with arms crossed over my chest you know...strolling to my room when I hear my mom's voice "Benjamin" and I knew I was busted. She discovered it and that night my dad had a talk with me. I didn't give up names though as to where I got the book. Late night's in Brazil you don't need cinemax to see anything cause all you have to do is stay up really late and it comes on network tv. My eyes were glued to the screen and I can't describe the thoughts going through my head. I started noticing the dreams more and more where I was back in MS and trapped behind the chicken coupe. I told my hero that I was busted but that I didn't give up names and he was relieved. Pressure, seems like pressure started building even at that age. It wasn't long until he had us neighborhood boys under his control. The shame grew heavier and I thought... Is this normal? Why does this keep happening? I kept it my secret.... It didn't stop until we bought a house on the other side of the city. I never went back to that neighborhood......