The Green Green Grass of Germany

Dear Diary,

My soul was numb. I stared out of the attic window and watched the kids out in the field playing soccer.... I loved soccer.... but no one would play with the American. We got T.V. of some overdubbed horrible Canadian shows that were dubbed over in German... go figure. I hated the snow, I hated going to the Ballet, I hated the 4 hours of Church, and I definitely hated the friggin' cabbage borscht crap we ate. My mom and I went back to the U.S. at one point in time to visit for a family type of emergency and I remember laying in a bed in Warsaw, Poland knowing that the next day I would be on my way far away from there and I could hardly sleep a wink. I also remember that flying back in I felt like I was going to throw up. At some point in time boarding school came up in conversation and before I knew it my mom and I were on our way to Germany where we checked out the school. I actually liked it. I hung out an entire day at the school and got to play soccer and basketball and talk to guys my age. The idea of not being in the Ukraine was spectacular. All the guys there were in to Butterfly knives and so I got one and the skiing there was amazing. We decided I would attend there the next year. So... sure enough the day came for me to head off and my parents and I went. It took a couple of days to register and unpack and of course my first day of school came. I was ok for a while but then it hit me like a ton of bricks.... that night I said goodbye to my mom and dad and had managed ok until my day hugged me and I broke. I was scared.... This would be the first time I would be alone. I watched my parents drive away and walked back in to the dorm where I began to do my chores for the evening. I got a shower, brushed my teeth and met the other guys from my floor in our head masters room. We had a devotional and I acted like the usual class clown and then off to bed we went. My roommate was weird and didn't really talk. I laid in my bed on the top bunk looking at the ceiling and then I started to sob, I felt so alone and scared. I felt like I was dying. It was my first panic attack. I got up and went down to the bead masters room and told them that I needed to call my parents and they told me that I could in the morning but I said no way that I needed to talk to them before they left down. I kept thinking....they are going to leave me. I also kept going back to when I was in pre-school and my dad would drop me off and have to sneak away before I realized he was gone. I was FREAKING out!!!! I said "Now!" and she called them at midnight and I talked to them. They said they would come see me in the morning before they left. I went back to my room where I began to pray...."please don't let them leave me! Please..." The next day my parents picked me up and I told them I couldn't stay but I couldn't go back to the Ukraine that I wanted to go back to Brazil. After an entire day of begging and them talking to other missionaries and my family back home they decided I didn't have to stay. I was on my way back to the U.S. to live with my grandparents and my sister while they went back to the Ukraine. I still think about that day alot..... I really wish I had stuck in there and pushed through.... I think I would have liked Germany.... They had some beautiful green grass.....