Shocker

Dear Diary,

I know that I have been revisiting my past to lead me to the present but I am going to have to break the rules, Today, actually the last two days have been really tough. I don't want to get in to the theology of things because I guess I am not one to say what is and what is not biblical. I have heard both sides of this argument and am not going to say I know because I don't. So here it is, I have accepted the fact that I am an addict. I have known this for 11 years or more. At some point in time I started down the path of thinking I am healed. Let me clarify what that means. I know that God broke me free from that bondage and gave me the tools to fight it and I know of people who God completely removed that thorn from their side. For a while I didn't think about getting high. I quit going to meetings and being around people in recovery. I might have had a thought come in every now and again but I took on the attitude that I was "healed." I might have not been using but I have the addict personality. It's all about me. To add to that I rationalized that alcohol was different. I could have a beer with dinner or go out on occasion and have a little fun as long as I wasn't "drunk." I have done this for years now. For a while I managed it okay. Slowly but surely I started drinking more and it's not that I drank every day or stayed drunk all the time. I would social drink but have 8 beers compared to everyone else who had 2, however, I would usually sneak those in while others weren't looking to ensure I got my buzz. Next thing I know I am not even hiding it anymore because I just surrounded myself with those who were ok with it and I talked people in to thinking it was ok as long as I didn't do it all the time. I dropped money like it was nothing. Looking at everyone else who went out on the weekend I thought it was normal right? When my ex-wife and I seperated the first time I was drinking every single night. We got back together and I slowed down but we both were drinking now. She did better than I did. She could drink the 2 drinks and stop meanwhile it took more to satisfy my thirst. Recovery wasn't even in my thought process at this point in time because I wasn't getting high or thinking about it. At this point I was on the road with an Artist traveling around the country in a rolling bar. Funny how I didn't see it coming. I stumbled a couple of times towards the end of my marriage and I got high. I can start to make excuses as to why I did but that's what I do as an addict. Some people eat, some sleep, and there are those who look at porn but I choose chemicals. During my divorce I stumbled again and I got high and a friend called my sisters who called my mom who drove to Nashville to see me. I didn't use after that because I remembered the hurt and how much it would kill my family. I did drink though. I was out drinking every night again. Spending money again until I was broke and broken inside. That was one year ago. I moved to Jackson to be with my parents and clear my head. I didn't drink as much... during the week anyway. I would wait until I was on the bus and drink enough to last me a week. I did try to work on things and I started going to a counselor. I had an amazing friend who talked me through some major things. After going to counseling I stopped drinking..... Until late September. I hadn't seen my counselor in a while because she took a couple of months off to have a baby and it had been a couple of months so I figured I could go back to a couple of beers socially. I was back to my old routine again. It started out kinda slow but soon enough I was out every night again. So, I went to my first counseling session with Dr. Pratt. While we are talking and I shared with him about my drinking a little to much and all of that I was waiting on the diagnosis.... He told me that I needed to hit an AA meeting immediately if not sooner. Honeslty it pissed me off. I haven't used drugs in a long time so why go to an AA meeting? He continued to say that for the last 8 years I have been dry not sober and that I am still an addict with or without the substance my thinking is that way and if I am not working a program then I am not healthy. It was a slap in the face. I knew he was right.... I left his office thinking how stupid I was and am but didn't go to a meeting. So.... the last couple of days I have had a ghost from my past visiting me and it has been painful. I haven't answered her haunting but I have been thinking about her alot and yesterday morning I woke up with the sickest feeling in my gut. I didn't have an appointment again with Dr. Pratt until the 4th and I just needed someone to talk to. I sat at the computer where I began writing a song idea and praying that God would just give me release and take the hurt and thoughts from my head when my phone rang and it was Dr. Pratt who said someone canceled an appointment and did I want to come in. I ran through the house frantically to get ready meanwhile shouting to God thank you! I get there and we talk at which point I tell him that the AA thing through me for a loop. Honestly, over the weekend I had thought about the AA thing but I was scared at the big sign flashing in my head..... I told Dr. Pratt that I am an alcoholic. It never clicked before. I have been through this!!! I know what denial is so why didn't I see it before!!! We talked a bit more and then I left his office and after a quick stop at Starbuck's I caught my first AA meeting. It sucked!!! I didn't want to be there but I knew I needed to be. It was my turn to speak and I thought I was going to throw up when I said "Hi, my name is Ben and I am an Addict and an Alcoholic." This is going to be hard work.... I picked up my sobriety chip and made the committment to living life with sober thinking again working my program and living my life in recovery. So January 27 is my sobriety birthday. I can never drink again. My brain can't even wrap around that.... Not a drop.... I almost have a panic attack thinking about it but today is today. Today I am sober and when tomorrow gets here then I will deal with that. I am afraid of what I am going to uncover underneath it all. When these scaled are pealed from my eyes and I see the damage caused to those around me.... There is so much more but I have already spilled enough for now. Maybe later I will write more about what was happening underneath and in between all of these events. I am trying to be cautious about who I write about because I don't want it to seem as though I am being spiteful.... but.... I do want to be real.