Same Song Different Dance

Dear Diary,

Sorry for missing a couple of days but had guests in town from Brazil keeping me pretty busy. So where did I leave off? We arrived back in Brazil and we went to the church first thing to reunite with friends but I noticed my best friend wasn't there so I asked my parents if I could run to his house, literally, because he lived only a few blocks from the church and they said yes. My heart was about to explode as I was running because I love to surprise people and I really missed him and his family. I got to his apartment building and ran up the stairs and pounded on the door but there was no answer. I stood there for a few minutes in disbelief because it was kind of late. I finally gave up and started walking down the stairs when I heard someone running up the stairs and there he was. They had just left to go to the church when I was running that way and now he was running to meet me. We went out to eat about 9 o'clock because that's when alot of us went in Brazil. We had a new journeymen fly in to teach my sister and I and you guessed it... I was in love again. The church was growing alot and I was growing up and started to feel the pressure of the preteen phase. I missed my oldest sister alot and I didn't get to see her as much anymore. The nightmares of MS were constant now and I could feel a difference inside of me. My best friend and I tried smoking... we actually went to a news stand and bought a pack of cigarrettes and smoked one a piece. I felt horrible because I knew we were doing something wrong. I pushed down the bad feelings. One evening my parents and I went over to a church families house and while the adults were drinking coffee and talking I was in the back room with the oldest of their family checking out the musical instruments because music was already my passion. I have said it before but I will say it again because each time it hurts more and more.... When those you trust and look up to hurt you it crushes so much more. I remember the excuses as to why I shouldn't say anything.... "This is normal" "Don't you do this at your other friends houses" "It's a game that we play among friends but we don't tell the adults because they don't understand and we might get in trouble." If my spirit hadn't been severally hurt before now it was critically injured. I didn't say anything though. I would lie awake at night trying not to fall asleep in fear of the dreams that would visit. I felt disgusting and disconnected. One day I got my old arm leash that my parents used when we would go in to crowded places so I wouldn't wander off and get lost or kidnapped and decided I had had enough. I think I was 11 at this time. I tied it around my neck and pulled as hard as I could... I could feel the blood rushing to my head and everything going black but then when my hands started to collapse the pressure let off and I was back again. So I tied it to the back of my bad and leaned forward and this time it was working..... Right as I could feel the blood pumping in my head my sister opened the door and screamed and then went and told my parents. My parents sat me in the living room.... they asked what was going on and I told them about MS when I was 4. They were shocked. I can't remember exactly what was said but I know that they said they were sorry and they wish they had known. Nothing happened though.... That I was aware of anyway.... I still hurt.... I changed after that. I still loved my parents but something definately had changed and my behavior was an example of that. The snowball had begun to roll.....