Dear Diary,
Life continued along and I kept the dreams to myself. My cousin suffered no consequences and I did not tell my parents about all that had happened after that. During that time my oldest sister came to visit and when she left I realized how much she meant to me. I was sad for a while and I remember that she made us watch the Bodyguard... yeah... the chick flick with Kevin and Whitney. After that every time I heard that song I thought about my sister and it made me really sad. I didn't want to study anymore. I hated school. I couldn't focus on the work and would just not do it. I didn't mind my teacher very well and finally one day she confronted me about it and I broke down and told her about the dreams and what happened when I was younger. She told my parents and we talked again. Once again after tears and apologies I didn't feel any different. I had resigned to the fact that this was life and to just deal with it. I was very bitter towards the world. On the outside I didn't show it but inside I was coming apart. I was easily irritated by my friends and others and very emotional. One night my parents took me out to eat and it was just them and myself.... I should have known something was up because my sister wasn't there. They asked me what I would think about going to the Ukraine....umm..... and they showed me some brochures of children running in school uniforms through the sunny streets and I said " Sure, looks fun." I didn't put it together that this was a permanent move. I thought it was going to be a cool vacation but that we would be back in Brazil again. I was 12 years old. The day came when I had to leave. I left before the rest of my family because I was going to spend some extra time with my sister back in the U.S. and start school there while we waited to go to the Ukraine. I remember waking up that morning and going to the church. I sat near the back with my parents and then the church called me to the front. My "Tio" which means "Uncle" because that's what we call our friends dads there and aunts are "Tia's" prayed for me and talked about how I was a part of their family and they gave me a shirt. He hugged me as he was crying and I started crying. I stood at the door while everyone walked out and hugged me and said goodbye. Everyone except for my best friend who remained at a distance. I thought he was mad at me.... We were almost to my car when I looked back towards the church one last time and then saw my best friend come charging across the street and he hugged me and cried and we said goodbye. My stomach sank as we pulled away. We stopped off at my "girlfriends" house because she couldn't make it to church. I said goodby and started to walk away after she handed me a note but then I got the courage and turned around and kissed her...yeah!!! I thought I was the man like Kevin in The Bodyguard. We drove to Sao Paulo where I caught my flight to the U.S. As the plane took off I cried.... I cried... and I cried some more. It wasn't until I met my sister in Miami that I stopped crying. That wouldn't be the last time though....
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Same Song Different Dance
Dear Diary,
Sorry for missing a couple of days but had guests in town from Brazil keeping me pretty busy. So where did I leave off? We arrived back in Brazil and we went to the church first thing to reunite with friends but I noticed my best friend wasn't there so I asked my parents if I could run to his house, literally, because he lived only a few blocks from the church and they said yes. My heart was about to explode as I was running because I love to surprise people and I really missed him and his family. I got to his apartment building and ran up the stairs and pounded on the door but there was no answer. I stood there for a few minutes in disbelief because it was kind of late. I finally gave up and started walking down the stairs when I heard someone running up the stairs and there he was. They had just left to go to the church when I was running that way and now he was running to meet me. We went out to eat about 9 o'clock because that's when alot of us went in Brazil. We had a new journeymen fly in to teach my sister and I and you guessed it... I was in love again. The church was growing alot and I was growing up and started to feel the pressure of the preteen phase. I missed my oldest sister alot and I didn't get to see her as much anymore. The nightmares of MS were constant now and I could feel a difference inside of me. My best friend and I tried smoking... we actually went to a news stand and bought a pack of cigarrettes and smoked one a piece. I felt horrible because I knew we were doing something wrong. I pushed down the bad feelings. One evening my parents and I went over to a church families house and while the adults were drinking coffee and talking I was in the back room with the oldest of their family checking out the musical instruments because music was already my passion. I have said it before but I will say it again because each time it hurts more and more.... When those you trust and look up to hurt you it crushes so much more. I remember the excuses as to why I shouldn't say anything.... "This is normal" "Don't you do this at your other friends houses" "It's a game that we play among friends but we don't tell the adults because they don't understand and we might get in trouble." If my spirit hadn't been severally hurt before now it was critically injured. I didn't say anything though. I would lie awake at night trying not to fall asleep in fear of the dreams that would visit. I felt disgusting and disconnected. One day I got my old arm leash that my parents used when we would go in to crowded places so I wouldn't wander off and get lost or kidnapped and decided I had had enough. I think I was 11 at this time. I tied it around my neck and pulled as hard as I could... I could feel the blood rushing to my head and everything going black but then when my hands started to collapse the pressure let off and I was back again. So I tied it to the back of my bad and leaned forward and this time it was working..... Right as I could feel the blood pumping in my head my sister opened the door and screamed and then went and told my parents. My parents sat me in the living room.... they asked what was going on and I told them about MS when I was 4. They were shocked. I can't remember exactly what was said but I know that they said they were sorry and they wish they had known. Nothing happened though.... That I was aware of anyway.... I still hurt.... I changed after that. I still loved my parents but something definately had changed and my behavior was an example of that. The snowball had begun to roll.....
Sorry for missing a couple of days but had guests in town from Brazil keeping me pretty busy. So where did I leave off? We arrived back in Brazil and we went to the church first thing to reunite with friends but I noticed my best friend wasn't there so I asked my parents if I could run to his house, literally, because he lived only a few blocks from the church and they said yes. My heart was about to explode as I was running because I love to surprise people and I really missed him and his family. I got to his apartment building and ran up the stairs and pounded on the door but there was no answer. I stood there for a few minutes in disbelief because it was kind of late. I finally gave up and started walking down the stairs when I heard someone running up the stairs and there he was. They had just left to go to the church when I was running that way and now he was running to meet me. We went out to eat about 9 o'clock because that's when alot of us went in Brazil. We had a new journeymen fly in to teach my sister and I and you guessed it... I was in love again. The church was growing alot and I was growing up and started to feel the pressure of the preteen phase. I missed my oldest sister alot and I didn't get to see her as much anymore. The nightmares of MS were constant now and I could feel a difference inside of me. My best friend and I tried smoking... we actually went to a news stand and bought a pack of cigarrettes and smoked one a piece. I felt horrible because I knew we were doing something wrong. I pushed down the bad feelings. One evening my parents and I went over to a church families house and while the adults were drinking coffee and talking I was in the back room with the oldest of their family checking out the musical instruments because music was already my passion. I have said it before but I will say it again because each time it hurts more and more.... When those you trust and look up to hurt you it crushes so much more. I remember the excuses as to why I shouldn't say anything.... "This is normal" "Don't you do this at your other friends houses" "It's a game that we play among friends but we don't tell the adults because they don't understand and we might get in trouble." If my spirit hadn't been severally hurt before now it was critically injured. I didn't say anything though. I would lie awake at night trying not to fall asleep in fear of the dreams that would visit. I felt disgusting and disconnected. One day I got my old arm leash that my parents used when we would go in to crowded places so I wouldn't wander off and get lost or kidnapped and decided I had had enough. I think I was 11 at this time. I tied it around my neck and pulled as hard as I could... I could feel the blood rushing to my head and everything going black but then when my hands started to collapse the pressure let off and I was back again. So I tied it to the back of my bad and leaned forward and this time it was working..... Right as I could feel the blood pumping in my head my sister opened the door and screamed and then went and told my parents. My parents sat me in the living room.... they asked what was going on and I told them about MS when I was 4. They were shocked. I can't remember exactly what was said but I know that they said they were sorry and they wish they had known. Nothing happened though.... That I was aware of anyway.... I still hurt.... I changed after that. I still loved my parents but something definately had changed and my behavior was an example of that. The snowball had begun to roll.....
Friday, January 30, 2009
Back In The USA
Dear Diary,
We arrived back in the US and settled in to a house in Tupelo, MS. It was an older house and not like Brazil at all. I missed Brazil so much. That was my home. I started American school and we began attending the church there. It was a massive church full of rich snobby American kids. I got along with one of the kids at the church but that was about it. At school I met who would become my best friends state side. We did everything together from go carts to sneaking up on his neighbors and egging their house. I had a crush on this girl who I would draw pictures of and send it to her.... she was one of the snobby kids but I asked her to go to the movies(Did I mention that i was in the 4th grade.) Moving along, I started to enjoy my school more and more but I began getting in to trouble quite a bit and was locked in the closet at school almost every day for doing something. I enjoyed my time in the closet because I found an old T.V. which was one of those small portable ones and I plugged it in and caught the Price Is Right and if I was lucky Days of Our Lives. In the summer I was at my mamaw and papaws alot riding four wheelers and fishing alot. My best friend and I would jump over things on the four wheeler to see if we could pop tires when we landed. I made friends with my grandparents neighbors kids. The girl and I became really good friends and her older brother terrorized us with bb guns and such. I would visit some of my cousins on my Grandma's side but I tried not to go around a certain one. I was always on edge when I was there and usually would wake up crying and asking my Uncle to take me home. It wasn't them... I was just terrified because they all lived close together and I imagined "the abuser" somehow getting me. My cousins thought I was a whimp because I would do that but I didn't tell them why, I just said I wanted to go home. I felt bad when I would stay at my Grandma's because I would get anxiouty and sneak and call my mamaw and papaw and have them come pick me up. Nothing happened that year thankfully and before I knew it the year had passed and I was telling my oldest sister,my best friend, and family goodby but I was more than ready to get home to Brazil.
We arrived back in the US and settled in to a house in Tupelo, MS. It was an older house and not like Brazil at all. I missed Brazil so much. That was my home. I started American school and we began attending the church there. It was a massive church full of rich snobby American kids. I got along with one of the kids at the church but that was about it. At school I met who would become my best friends state side. We did everything together from go carts to sneaking up on his neighbors and egging their house. I had a crush on this girl who I would draw pictures of and send it to her.... she was one of the snobby kids but I asked her to go to the movies(Did I mention that i was in the 4th grade.) Moving along, I started to enjoy my school more and more but I began getting in to trouble quite a bit and was locked in the closet at school almost every day for doing something. I enjoyed my time in the closet because I found an old T.V. which was one of those small portable ones and I plugged it in and caught the Price Is Right and if I was lucky Days of Our Lives. In the summer I was at my mamaw and papaws alot riding four wheelers and fishing alot. My best friend and I would jump over things on the four wheeler to see if we could pop tires when we landed. I made friends with my grandparents neighbors kids. The girl and I became really good friends and her older brother terrorized us with bb guns and such. I would visit some of my cousins on my Grandma's side but I tried not to go around a certain one. I was always on edge when I was there and usually would wake up crying and asking my Uncle to take me home. It wasn't them... I was just terrified because they all lived close together and I imagined "the abuser" somehow getting me. My cousins thought I was a whimp because I would do that but I didn't tell them why, I just said I wanted to go home. I felt bad when I would stay at my Grandma's because I would get anxiouty and sneak and call my mamaw and papaw and have them come pick me up. Nothing happened that year thankfully and before I knew it the year had passed and I was telling my oldest sister,my best friend, and family goodby but I was more than ready to get home to Brazil.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Shocker
Dear Diary,
I know that I have been revisiting my past to lead me to the present but I am going to have to break the rules, Today, actually the last two days have been really tough. I don't want to get in to the theology of things because I guess I am not one to say what is and what is not biblical. I have heard both sides of this argument and am not going to say I know because I don't. So here it is, I have accepted the fact that I am an addict. I have known this for 11 years or more. At some point in time I started down the path of thinking I am healed. Let me clarify what that means. I know that God broke me free from that bondage and gave me the tools to fight it and I know of people who God completely removed that thorn from their side. For a while I didn't think about getting high. I quit going to meetings and being around people in recovery. I might have had a thought come in every now and again but I took on the attitude that I was "healed." I might have not been using but I have the addict personality. It's all about me. To add to that I rationalized that alcohol was different. I could have a beer with dinner or go out on occasion and have a little fun as long as I wasn't "drunk." I have done this for years now. For a while I managed it okay. Slowly but surely I started drinking more and it's not that I drank every day or stayed drunk all the time. I would social drink but have 8 beers compared to everyone else who had 2, however, I would usually sneak those in while others weren't looking to ensure I got my buzz. Next thing I know I am not even hiding it anymore because I just surrounded myself with those who were ok with it and I talked people in to thinking it was ok as long as I didn't do it all the time. I dropped money like it was nothing. Looking at everyone else who went out on the weekend I thought it was normal right? When my ex-wife and I seperated the first time I was drinking every single night. We got back together and I slowed down but we both were drinking now. She did better than I did. She could drink the 2 drinks and stop meanwhile it took more to satisfy my thirst. Recovery wasn't even in my thought process at this point in time because I wasn't getting high or thinking about it. At this point I was on the road with an Artist traveling around the country in a rolling bar. Funny how I didn't see it coming. I stumbled a couple of times towards the end of my marriage and I got high. I can start to make excuses as to why I did but that's what I do as an addict. Some people eat, some sleep, and there are those who look at porn but I choose chemicals. During my divorce I stumbled again and I got high and a friend called my sisters who called my mom who drove to Nashville to see me. I didn't use after that because I remembered the hurt and how much it would kill my family. I did drink though. I was out drinking every night again. Spending money again until I was broke and broken inside. That was one year ago. I moved to Jackson to be with my parents and clear my head. I didn't drink as much... during the week anyway. I would wait until I was on the bus and drink enough to last me a week. I did try to work on things and I started going to a counselor. I had an amazing friend who talked me through some major things. After going to counseling I stopped drinking..... Until late September. I hadn't seen my counselor in a while because she took a couple of months off to have a baby and it had been a couple of months so I figured I could go back to a couple of beers socially. I was back to my old routine again. It started out kinda slow but soon enough I was out every night again. So, I went to my first counseling session with Dr. Pratt. While we are talking and I shared with him about my drinking a little to much and all of that I was waiting on the diagnosis.... He told me that I needed to hit an AA meeting immediately if not sooner. Honeslty it pissed me off. I haven't used drugs in a long time so why go to an AA meeting? He continued to say that for the last 8 years I have been dry not sober and that I am still an addict with or without the substance my thinking is that way and if I am not working a program then I am not healthy. It was a slap in the face. I knew he was right.... I left his office thinking how stupid I was and am but didn't go to a meeting. So.... the last couple of days I have had a ghost from my past visiting me and it has been painful. I haven't answered her haunting but I have been thinking about her alot and yesterday morning I woke up with the sickest feeling in my gut. I didn't have an appointment again with Dr. Pratt until the 4th and I just needed someone to talk to. I sat at the computer where I began writing a song idea and praying that God would just give me release and take the hurt and thoughts from my head when my phone rang and it was Dr. Pratt who said someone canceled an appointment and did I want to come in. I ran through the house frantically to get ready meanwhile shouting to God thank you! I get there and we talk at which point I tell him that the AA thing through me for a loop. Honestly, over the weekend I had thought about the AA thing but I was scared at the big sign flashing in my head..... I told Dr. Pratt that I am an alcoholic. It never clicked before. I have been through this!!! I know what denial is so why didn't I see it before!!! We talked a bit more and then I left his office and after a quick stop at Starbuck's I caught my first AA meeting. It sucked!!! I didn't want to be there but I knew I needed to be. It was my turn to speak and I thought I was going to throw up when I said "Hi, my name is Ben and I am an Addict and an Alcoholic." This is going to be hard work.... I picked up my sobriety chip and made the committment to living life with sober thinking again working my program and living my life in recovery. So January 27 is my sobriety birthday. I can never drink again. My brain can't even wrap around that.... Not a drop.... I almost have a panic attack thinking about it but today is today. Today I am sober and when tomorrow gets here then I will deal with that. I am afraid of what I am going to uncover underneath it all. When these scaled are pealed from my eyes and I see the damage caused to those around me.... There is so much more but I have already spilled enough for now. Maybe later I will write more about what was happening underneath and in between all of these events. I am trying to be cautious about who I write about because I don't want it to seem as though I am being spiteful.... but.... I do want to be real.
I know that I have been revisiting my past to lead me to the present but I am going to have to break the rules, Today, actually the last two days have been really tough. I don't want to get in to the theology of things because I guess I am not one to say what is and what is not biblical. I have heard both sides of this argument and am not going to say I know because I don't. So here it is, I have accepted the fact that I am an addict. I have known this for 11 years or more. At some point in time I started down the path of thinking I am healed. Let me clarify what that means. I know that God broke me free from that bondage and gave me the tools to fight it and I know of people who God completely removed that thorn from their side. For a while I didn't think about getting high. I quit going to meetings and being around people in recovery. I might have had a thought come in every now and again but I took on the attitude that I was "healed." I might have not been using but I have the addict personality. It's all about me. To add to that I rationalized that alcohol was different. I could have a beer with dinner or go out on occasion and have a little fun as long as I wasn't "drunk." I have done this for years now. For a while I managed it okay. Slowly but surely I started drinking more and it's not that I drank every day or stayed drunk all the time. I would social drink but have 8 beers compared to everyone else who had 2, however, I would usually sneak those in while others weren't looking to ensure I got my buzz. Next thing I know I am not even hiding it anymore because I just surrounded myself with those who were ok with it and I talked people in to thinking it was ok as long as I didn't do it all the time. I dropped money like it was nothing. Looking at everyone else who went out on the weekend I thought it was normal right? When my ex-wife and I seperated the first time I was drinking every single night. We got back together and I slowed down but we both were drinking now. She did better than I did. She could drink the 2 drinks and stop meanwhile it took more to satisfy my thirst. Recovery wasn't even in my thought process at this point in time because I wasn't getting high or thinking about it. At this point I was on the road with an Artist traveling around the country in a rolling bar. Funny how I didn't see it coming. I stumbled a couple of times towards the end of my marriage and I got high. I can start to make excuses as to why I did but that's what I do as an addict. Some people eat, some sleep, and there are those who look at porn but I choose chemicals. During my divorce I stumbled again and I got high and a friend called my sisters who called my mom who drove to Nashville to see me. I didn't use after that because I remembered the hurt and how much it would kill my family. I did drink though. I was out drinking every night again. Spending money again until I was broke and broken inside. That was one year ago. I moved to Jackson to be with my parents and clear my head. I didn't drink as much... during the week anyway. I would wait until I was on the bus and drink enough to last me a week. I did try to work on things and I started going to a counselor. I had an amazing friend who talked me through some major things. After going to counseling I stopped drinking..... Until late September. I hadn't seen my counselor in a while because she took a couple of months off to have a baby and it had been a couple of months so I figured I could go back to a couple of beers socially. I was back to my old routine again. It started out kinda slow but soon enough I was out every night again. So, I went to my first counseling session with Dr. Pratt. While we are talking and I shared with him about my drinking a little to much and all of that I was waiting on the diagnosis.... He told me that I needed to hit an AA meeting immediately if not sooner. Honeslty it pissed me off. I haven't used drugs in a long time so why go to an AA meeting? He continued to say that for the last 8 years I have been dry not sober and that I am still an addict with or without the substance my thinking is that way and if I am not working a program then I am not healthy. It was a slap in the face. I knew he was right.... I left his office thinking how stupid I was and am but didn't go to a meeting. So.... the last couple of days I have had a ghost from my past visiting me and it has been painful. I haven't answered her haunting but I have been thinking about her alot and yesterday morning I woke up with the sickest feeling in my gut. I didn't have an appointment again with Dr. Pratt until the 4th and I just needed someone to talk to. I sat at the computer where I began writing a song idea and praying that God would just give me release and take the hurt and thoughts from my head when my phone rang and it was Dr. Pratt who said someone canceled an appointment and did I want to come in. I ran through the house frantically to get ready meanwhile shouting to God thank you! I get there and we talk at which point I tell him that the AA thing through me for a loop. Honestly, over the weekend I had thought about the AA thing but I was scared at the big sign flashing in my head..... I told Dr. Pratt that I am an alcoholic. It never clicked before. I have been through this!!! I know what denial is so why didn't I see it before!!! We talked a bit more and then I left his office and after a quick stop at Starbuck's I caught my first AA meeting. It sucked!!! I didn't want to be there but I knew I needed to be. It was my turn to speak and I thought I was going to throw up when I said "Hi, my name is Ben and I am an Addict and an Alcoholic." This is going to be hard work.... I picked up my sobriety chip and made the committment to living life with sober thinking again working my program and living my life in recovery. So January 27 is my sobriety birthday. I can never drink again. My brain can't even wrap around that.... Not a drop.... I almost have a panic attack thinking about it but today is today. Today I am sober and when tomorrow gets here then I will deal with that. I am afraid of what I am going to uncover underneath it all. When these scaled are pealed from my eyes and I see the damage caused to those around me.... There is so much more but I have already spilled enough for now. Maybe later I will write more about what was happening underneath and in between all of these events. I am trying to be cautious about who I write about because I don't want it to seem as though I am being spiteful.... but.... I do want to be real.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Joining The Country Club
Dear Diary,
I remember the first night at the new house sitting in our empty living room waiting on the movers to get there because in Brazil they are not in a big hurry. I was leaned up against Mary's arm holding tightly to her and drifting off to sleep. The next day I heard the doorbell ring and my mom's voice talking to a kid so I walked to the door and that's when I met my neighbor from across the street. He saw my bike coming off of the truck so he knew there was a kid at the house and we set off to discover the neighborhood. We became really good friends. Our Bairro which is like a name for a district or neighborhood was call "Country Club" which is pronounced Count-tree(roll the r) Cloo-be. This is was one of the wealthiest communities of Cascavel. But I hung out with the ones who weren't so wealthy... who actually were barely getting by. By hanging out with them I became the enemy of most of the rich kids. We formed our own little gangs and wouldn't hesitate to throw down at the sight of each other. We even had meetings where we made plans to ambush the rich kids with our slingshots filled with little berry's we picked off of trees. I introduced my friends to the Slip & Slide and we played games like who can slide down and not get hit by lemon's that the others were throwing at them. My parents started a new church that met in an old office that belonged to a church member. I loved my new church because it was all of my real friends from my old church's family that help my dad start it. The church started growing immediately. In school I had a hard time paying attention because I was a very hyper child who constantly being distracted. I caused my sisters alot of grief because I found entertainment in annoying the crap out of them. My sister Sonya was 7 years older and Sara was 5 years older than me. I would hide in their closet and wait for them to open the door and then I would jump out and kick them because I thought I was a ninja. I went to the emergency room a couple of more times because I broke my left arm climbing a tree and then I tried to jump a ramp on my bycycle and land without using my hands. Oh... and I forgot about another one of my visits to the emergency rooms!!! One night my dad was going to a men's choir practice and I went with him. At our church there was a massive iron gate that you had to open to park inside and when I say massive I mean massive. We got there and all of the guys pulled in and I went because I thought that maybe one of my friends would be there but they weren't there. So while the men started practice I went outside to play and I notice the gate still open. I walked over and put everything I had in to sliding this gate closed and i remember that it started moving and then that it wasn't moving to close but falling towards me and in a blink of an I was trapped underneath. I couldn't move it at all and the grid was crushing my head and my chest to the point I could hardly breathe and I screamed with what little breath I had and a car honked as it drove by. It seemed like an eternity before I heard them men running out and calling my name but they ran past me and in to the street because they thought I had been hit by a car. I screamed again and they finally saw me. Normally it would take probably 5 or 6 guys to lift this gate but one of my friends dad ran over and lifted this thing by himself and the rest of the guys grabbed me and we were off to the emergency room because I was bleeding alot from my eye and on top of my forehead. After several stitches and my mom getting there I was ok. Later on when the men looked at the gate to see what happened they noticed that the corner of the churches wall had a huge chunk taken out by the gate and it stopped the gate from crushing me but if it had fallen another inch I would not be here right now. That was my first encounter with God's sovereign intervention..... I made a full recovery and continued on. Years went on and I had adjusted to my new house. I still had nightmares of what happened to me in MS and the weight was still there but if I stayed busy I didn't think about it as much. I was safe now.... but my trust was broken again.... It always hurts the most when a person you love breaks that trust to..... I don't know if it was who or that it seemed to be happening over and over again but my spirit was fading slowly.... "Why is this happening? He is my friend... why is he doing this? It's my fault..." Even though I went before the church and told them I accepted Christ into my heart and I was Baptized I really didn't trust God and I only did it because my best friend went forward and I knew I could finally drink the juice and eat the bread at church. Looking back now I am amazed at how young I was when I began wearing the mask of "I have it all together, I'm fine." The day came when we were to come back to the U.S. for our furlough. We said goodbye to friends and to Mary who would not be back when we came back because her term was over and we left for Tupelo, MS where we would stay for a year.... Back to the land of gotten where hurt and pain is not forgotten....
I remember the first night at the new house sitting in our empty living room waiting on the movers to get there because in Brazil they are not in a big hurry. I was leaned up against Mary's arm holding tightly to her and drifting off to sleep. The next day I heard the doorbell ring and my mom's voice talking to a kid so I walked to the door and that's when I met my neighbor from across the street. He saw my bike coming off of the truck so he knew there was a kid at the house and we set off to discover the neighborhood. We became really good friends. Our Bairro which is like a name for a district or neighborhood was call "Country Club" which is pronounced Count-tree(roll the r) Cloo-be. This is was one of the wealthiest communities of Cascavel. But I hung out with the ones who weren't so wealthy... who actually were barely getting by. By hanging out with them I became the enemy of most of the rich kids. We formed our own little gangs and wouldn't hesitate to throw down at the sight of each other. We even had meetings where we made plans to ambush the rich kids with our slingshots filled with little berry's we picked off of trees. I introduced my friends to the Slip & Slide and we played games like who can slide down and not get hit by lemon's that the others were throwing at them. My parents started a new church that met in an old office that belonged to a church member. I loved my new church because it was all of my real friends from my old church's family that help my dad start it. The church started growing immediately. In school I had a hard time paying attention because I was a very hyper child who constantly being distracted. I caused my sisters alot of grief because I found entertainment in annoying the crap out of them. My sister Sonya was 7 years older and Sara was 5 years older than me. I would hide in their closet and wait for them to open the door and then I would jump out and kick them because I thought I was a ninja. I went to the emergency room a couple of more times because I broke my left arm climbing a tree and then I tried to jump a ramp on my bycycle and land without using my hands. Oh... and I forgot about another one of my visits to the emergency rooms!!! One night my dad was going to a men's choir practice and I went with him. At our church there was a massive iron gate that you had to open to park inside and when I say massive I mean massive. We got there and all of the guys pulled in and I went because I thought that maybe one of my friends would be there but they weren't there. So while the men started practice I went outside to play and I notice the gate still open. I walked over and put everything I had in to sliding this gate closed and i remember that it started moving and then that it wasn't moving to close but falling towards me and in a blink of an I was trapped underneath. I couldn't move it at all and the grid was crushing my head and my chest to the point I could hardly breathe and I screamed with what little breath I had and a car honked as it drove by. It seemed like an eternity before I heard them men running out and calling my name but they ran past me and in to the street because they thought I had been hit by a car. I screamed again and they finally saw me. Normally it would take probably 5 or 6 guys to lift this gate but one of my friends dad ran over and lifted this thing by himself and the rest of the guys grabbed me and we were off to the emergency room because I was bleeding alot from my eye and on top of my forehead. After several stitches and my mom getting there I was ok. Later on when the men looked at the gate to see what happened they noticed that the corner of the churches wall had a huge chunk taken out by the gate and it stopped the gate from crushing me but if it had fallen another inch I would not be here right now. That was my first encounter with God's sovereign intervention..... I made a full recovery and continued on. Years went on and I had adjusted to my new house. I still had nightmares of what happened to me in MS and the weight was still there but if I stayed busy I didn't think about it as much. I was safe now.... but my trust was broken again.... It always hurts the most when a person you love breaks that trust to..... I don't know if it was who or that it seemed to be happening over and over again but my spirit was fading slowly.... "Why is this happening? He is my friend... why is he doing this? It's my fault..." Even though I went before the church and told them I accepted Christ into my heart and I was Baptized I really didn't trust God and I only did it because my best friend went forward and I knew I could finally drink the juice and eat the bread at church. Looking back now I am amazed at how young I was when I began wearing the mask of "I have it all together, I'm fine." The day came when we were to come back to the U.S. for our furlough. We said goodbye to friends and to Mary who would not be back when we came back because her term was over and we left for Tupelo, MS where we would stay for a year.... Back to the land of gotten where hurt and pain is not forgotten....
Saturday, January 24, 2009
The Dissapointment Of Tom Sawyer
Dear Diary,
He was the coolest kid in the neighborhood. He could do tricks on his bike that we all dreamed about. He was 8 years older than the rest of us and I thought he knew the answers to the universe. One of our favorite pass time's was to stand on my wall and jump in to a pile of hay where spiders would nest and roll out of it before we were bit...pretty smart ey? We also used to hang out on the concrete roof of my laundry room which was separate from my house. It was there that he began drawing things that I felt in my gut were wrong but I said nothing because he was the cool kid who I thought was a real life Tom Sawyer. Soon we were all hanging out at his house having a firecracker war with things we called bombina's which means "little bomb's" in English. After we were tired of that he asked me and another friend if we wanted to see something cool and of course we did! It was my first time to see porn but it wasn't like a magazine it was in the form of a comic book. I was 5 and totally curious but at the same time I felt the weight of shame surrounding me. He gave me the book.... I can't say that I was super thrilled about it.... I took it home though and as I was walking up the driveway to my house I stuffed it under my shirt... keep in mind that I am 5... I walk in with arms crossed over my chest you know...strolling to my room when I hear my mom's voice "Benjamin" and I knew I was busted. She discovered it and that night my dad had a talk with me. I didn't give up names though as to where I got the book. Late night's in Brazil you don't need cinemax to see anything cause all you have to do is stay up really late and it comes on network tv. My eyes were glued to the screen and I can't describe the thoughts going through my head. I started noticing the dreams more and more where I was back in MS and trapped behind the chicken coupe. I told my hero that I was busted but that I didn't give up names and he was relieved. Pressure, seems like pressure started building even at that age. It wasn't long until he had us neighborhood boys under his control. The shame grew heavier and I thought... Is this normal? Why does this keep happening? I kept it my secret.... It didn't stop until we bought a house on the other side of the city. I never went back to that neighborhood......
He was the coolest kid in the neighborhood. He could do tricks on his bike that we all dreamed about. He was 8 years older than the rest of us and I thought he knew the answers to the universe. One of our favorite pass time's was to stand on my wall and jump in to a pile of hay where spiders would nest and roll out of it before we were bit...pretty smart ey? We also used to hang out on the concrete roof of my laundry room which was separate from my house. It was there that he began drawing things that I felt in my gut were wrong but I said nothing because he was the cool kid who I thought was a real life Tom Sawyer. Soon we were all hanging out at his house having a firecracker war with things we called bombina's which means "little bomb's" in English. After we were tired of that he asked me and another friend if we wanted to see something cool and of course we did! It was my first time to see porn but it wasn't like a magazine it was in the form of a comic book. I was 5 and totally curious but at the same time I felt the weight of shame surrounding me. He gave me the book.... I can't say that I was super thrilled about it.... I took it home though and as I was walking up the driveway to my house I stuffed it under my shirt... keep in mind that I am 5... I walk in with arms crossed over my chest you know...strolling to my room when I hear my mom's voice "Benjamin" and I knew I was busted. She discovered it and that night my dad had a talk with me. I didn't give up names though as to where I got the book. Late night's in Brazil you don't need cinemax to see anything cause all you have to do is stay up really late and it comes on network tv. My eyes were glued to the screen and I can't describe the thoughts going through my head. I started noticing the dreams more and more where I was back in MS and trapped behind the chicken coupe. I told my hero that I was busted but that I didn't give up names and he was relieved. Pressure, seems like pressure started building even at that age. It wasn't long until he had us neighborhood boys under his control. The shame grew heavier and I thought... Is this normal? Why does this keep happening? I kept it my secret.... It didn't stop until we bought a house on the other side of the city. I never went back to that neighborhood......
Friday, January 23, 2009
Gone Country
Dear Diary,
We arrived in Cascavel which was a tad bit smaller than Campinas/Sao Paolo which had around 19 million people at the time and Cascavel only had 1 million I believe. Life was different there for sure because it was more in the south it moved at a slower pace which Brazil compared to the U.S. moves at a way slower pace anyway. I made friends with my neighbor immediately and it wasn't long that I knew the entire neighborhood. I finally learned how to ride my bike that my parents had got me for Christmas because my feet could actually touch the petals now. I pretty much lived on my bike from then on. We started attending a church named Betel which is Bethel in English and I hated it at first. I didn't like the pastor at all, of course I was 5 at the time and most grown ups I didn't like all that much but something didn't sit well with me anyways. It took a little bit but then I made friends and began loving the church. I met my best friend that year. His name was Marcos and we were always together.... I mean always. You know when you are soclose to your friends that you actually have to empty your bladders at the same time... yeah we were that close. That is also the year that Mary came to teach me homeschooling. She was our Journeymen from Texas and of course I was in love at first site. I ate beans and rice every day and drank a ton of a drink called Guarana. We had a maid name Irani(spelling is questionable) who ironed everything including my underwear which was kinda creepy. I adjusted really quickly to Cascavel and soon it felt like I had been there my entire short life. I didn't think about the U.S. anymore... I thought about bycycles, slingshot's, and soon.... sex.
We arrived in Cascavel which was a tad bit smaller than Campinas/Sao Paolo which had around 19 million people at the time and Cascavel only had 1 million I believe. Life was different there for sure because it was more in the south it moved at a slower pace which Brazil compared to the U.S. moves at a way slower pace anyway. I made friends with my neighbor immediately and it wasn't long that I knew the entire neighborhood. I finally learned how to ride my bike that my parents had got me for Christmas because my feet could actually touch the petals now. I pretty much lived on my bike from then on. We started attending a church named Betel which is Bethel in English and I hated it at first. I didn't like the pastor at all, of course I was 5 at the time and most grown ups I didn't like all that much but something didn't sit well with me anyways. It took a little bit but then I made friends and began loving the church. I met my best friend that year. His name was Marcos and we were always together.... I mean always. You know when you are soclose to your friends that you actually have to empty your bladders at the same time... yeah we were that close. That is also the year that Mary came to teach me homeschooling. She was our Journeymen from Texas and of course I was in love at first site. I ate beans and rice every day and drank a ton of a drink called Guarana. We had a maid name Irani(spelling is questionable) who ironed everything including my underwear which was kinda creepy. I adjusted really quickly to Cascavel and soon it felt like I had been there my entire short life. I didn't think about the U.S. anymore... I thought about bycycles, slingshot's, and soon.... sex.
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